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Title: The Acharnians

Author: Aristophanes

Release date: January 1, 2002 [eBook #3012]

Most recently updated: January 24, 2013

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Derek Davis, and David Widger

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ACHARNIANS ***

THE ACHARNIANS

By Aristophanes

[Translator uncredited. Footnotes have been retained because they provide the meanings of Greek names, terms and ceremonies and explain puns and references otherwise lost in translation. Occasional Greek words in the footnotes have not been included. Footnote numbers, in brackets, start anew at (1) for each piece of dialogue, and each footnote follows immediately the dialogue to which it refers, labeled thus: f(1).]

INTRODUCTION

THE ACHARNIANS

INTRODUCTION

This is the first of the series of three Comedies—'The Acharnians,' 'Peace' and 'Lysistrata'—produced at intervals of years, the sixth, tenth and twenty-first of the Peloponnesian War, and impressing on the Athenian people the miseries and disasters due to it and to the scoundrels who by their selfish and reckless policy had provoked it, the consequent ruin of industry and, above all, agriculture, and the urgency of asking Peace. In date it is the earliest play brought out by the author in his own name and his first work of serious importance. It was acted at the Lenaean Festival, in January, 426 B.C., and gained the first prize, Cratinus being second.

Its diatribes against the War and fierce criticism of the general policy of the War party so enraged Cleon that, as already mentioned, he endeavoured to ruin the author, who in 'The Knights' retorted by a direct and savage personal attack on the leader of the democracy.

The plot is of the simplest. Dicaeopolis, an Athenian citizen, but a native of Acharnae, one of the agricultural demes and one which had especially suffered in the Lacedaemonian invasions, sick and tired of the ill-success and miseries of the War, makes up his mind, if he fails to induce the people to adopt his policy of "peace at any price," to conclude a private and particular peace of his own to cover himself, his family, and his estate. The Athenians, momentarily elated by victory and over-persuaded by the demagogues of the day—Cleon and his henchmen, refuse to hear of such a thing as coming to terms. Accordingly Dicaeopolis dispatches an envoy to Sparta on his own account, who comes back presently with a selection of specimen treaties in his pocket. The old man tastes and tries, special terms are arranged, and the play concludes with a riotous and uproarious rustic feast in honour of the blessings of Peace and Plenty.

Incidentally excellent fun is poked at Euripides and his dramatic methods, which supply matter for so much witty badinage in several others of our author's pieces.

Other specially comic incidents are: the scene where the two young daughters of the famished Megarian are sold in the market at Athens as suck(l)ing-pigs—a scene in which the convenient similarity of the Greek words signifying a pig and the 'pudendum muliebre' respectively is utilized in a whole string of ingenious and suggestive 'double entendres' and ludicrous jokes; another where the Informer, or Market-Spy, is packed up in a crate as crockery and carried off home by the Boeotian buyer.

The drama takes its title from the Chorus, composed of old men of Acharnae.

THE ACHARNIANS

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

DICAEOPOLIS

HERALD

AMPHITHEUS

AMBASSADORS

PSEUDARTABAS

THEORUS

WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS

DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS

EURIPIDES

CEPHISOPHON, servant of Euripides

LAMACHUS

ATTENDANT OF LAMACHUS

A MEGARIAN

MAIDENS, daughters of the Megarian

A BOEOTIAN

NICARCHUS

A HUSBANDMAN

A BRIDESMAID

AN INFORMER

MESSENGERS

CHORUS OF ACHARNIAN ELDERS

SCENE: The Athenian Ecclesia on the Pnyx; afterwards Dicaeopolis' house in the country.

DICAEOPOLIS(1) (alone)

What cares have not gnawed at my heart and how few have been the

pleasures in my life!  Four, to be exact, while my troubles have been

as countless as the grains of sand on the shore!  Let me see! of what

value to me have been these few pleasures?  Ah! I remember that I was

delighted in soul when Cleon had to disgorge those five talents;(2) I was

in ecstasy and I love the Knights for this deed; 'it is an honour to

Greece.'(3) But the day when I was impatiently awaiting a piece by

Aeschylus,(4) what tragic despair it caused me when the herald called,

"Theognis,(5) introduce your Chorus!" Just imagine how this blow struck

straight at my heart!  On the other hand, what joy Dexitheus caused

me at the musical competition, when he played a Boeotian melody

on the lyre!  But this year by contrast! Oh! what deadly torture

to hear Chaeris(6) perform the prelude in the Orthian mode!(7)

—Never, however, since I began to bathe, has the dust hurt my

eyes as it does to-day.  Still it is the day of assembly; all should be

here at daybreak, and yet the Pnyx(8) is still deserted.  They are

gossiping in the marketplace, slipping hither and thither to avoid

the vermilioned rope.(9) The Prytanes(10) even do not come; they will be

late, but when they come they will push and fight each other for a

seat in the front row.  They will never trouble themselves with the

question of peace.  Oh!  Athens! Athens! As for myself, I do not fail to

come here before all the rest, and now, finding myself alone, I groan,

yawn, stretch, break wind, and know not what to do; I make sketches in

the dust, pull out my loose hairs, muse, think of my fields, long for

peace, curse town life and regret my dear country home,(11) which never

told me to 'buy fuel, vinegar or oil'; there the word 'buy,' which

cuts me in two, was unknown; I harvested everything at will.  Therefore

I have come to the assembly fully prepared to bawl, interrupt and

abuse the speakers, if they talk of anything but peace.  But here come the

Prytanes, and high time too, for it is midday!  As I foretold, hah! is it

not so?  They are pushing and fighting for the front seats.

f(1) A name invented by Aristophanes and signifying 'a just citizen.'

f(2) Clean had received five talents from the islanders subject to Athens,

on condition that he should get the tribute payable by them reduced; when

informed of this transaction, the knights compelled him to return

the money.

f(3) A hemistich borrowed from Euripides' 'Telephus.'

f(4) The tragedies of Aeschylus continued to be played even after the

poet's death, which occurred in 436 B.C., ten years before the production

of 'The Acharnians.'

f(5) A tragic poet, whose pieces were so devoid of warmth and life that he

was nicknamed (the Greek for) 'snow.'

f(6) A bad musician, frequently ridiculed by Aristophanes; he played both

the lyre and the flute.

f(7) A lively and elevated method.

f(8) A hill near the Acropolis, where the Assemblies were held.

f(9) Several means were used to force citizens to attend the assemblies;

the shops were closed; circulation was only permitted in those streets which

led to the Pnyx; finally, a rope covered with vermilion was drawn round those

who dallied in the Agora (the market-place), and the late-comers,

ear-marked by the imprint of the rope, were fined.

f(10) Magistrates who, with the Archons and the Epistatae, shared the care

of holding and directing the assemblies of the people; they were fifty

in number.

f(11) The Peloponnesian War had already, at the date of the representation

of 'The Acharnians,' lasted five years, 431-426 B.C.; driven from their lands

by the successive Lacedaemonian invasions, the people throughout the

country had been compelled to seek shelter behind the walls of Athens.

HERALD

Move on up, move on, move on, to get within the consecrated area.(1)

f(1) Shortly before the meeting of the Assembly, a number of young pigs

were immolated and a few drops of their blood were sprinkled on the

seats of the Prytanes; this sacrifice was in honour of Ceres.

AMPHITHEUS

Has anyone spoken yet?

HERALD

Who asks to speak?

AMPHITHEUS

I do.

HERALD

Your name?

AMPHITHEUS

Amphitheus.

HERALD

You are no man.(1)

f(1) The name, Amphitheus, contains (the Greek) word (for) 'god.'

AMPHITHEUS

No!  I am an immortal!  Amphitheus was the son of Ceres and

Triptolemus; of him was born Celeus.  Celeus wedded Phaenerete, my

grandmother, whose son was Lucinus, and, being born of him I am an

immortal; it is to me alone that the gods have entrusted the duty of

treating with the Lacedaemonians.  But, citizens, though I am immortal,

I am dying of hunger; the Prytanes give me naught.(1)

f(1) Amongst other duties, it was the office of the Prytanes to look after

the wants of the poor.

A PRYTANIS

Guards!

AMPHITHEUS

Oh, Triptolemus and Ceres, do ye thus forsake your own blood?

DICAEOPOLIS

Prytanes, in expelling this citizen, you are offering an outrage

to the Assembly.  He only desired to secure peace for us and to sheathe

the sword.

PRYTANIS

Sit down and keep silence!

DICAEOPOLIS

No, by Apollo, I will not, unless you are going to discuss the

question of peace.

HERALD

The ambassadors, who are returned from the Court of the King!

DICAEOPOLIS

Of what King?  I am sick of all those fine birds, the peacock

ambassadors and their swagger.

HERALD

Silence!

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh! oh! by Ecbatana,(1) what a costume!

f(1) The summer residence of the Great King.

AN AMBASSADOR

During the archonship of Euthymenes, you sent us to the Great King

on a salary of two drachmae per diem.

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! those poor drachmae!

AMBASSADOR

We suffered horribly on the plains of the Cayster, sleeping under a tent,

stretched deliciously on fine chariots, half dead with weariness.

DICAEOPOLIS

And I was very much at ease, lying on the straw along the

battlements!(1)

f(1) Referring to the hardships he had endured garrisoning the walls of

Athens during the Lacedaemonian invasions early in the War.

AMBASSADOR

Everywhere we were well received and forced to drink delicious

wine out of golden or crystal flagons....

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh, city of Cranaus,(1) thy ambassadors are laughing at thee!

f(1) Cranaus, the second king of Athens, the successor of Cecrops.

AMBASSADOR

For great feeders and heavy drinkers are alone esteemed as men

by the barbarians.

DICAEOPOLIS

Just as here in Athens, we only esteem the most drunken debauchees.

AMBASSADOR

At the end of the fourth year we reached the King's Court, but

he had left with his whole army to ease himself, and for the space of

eight months he was thus easing himself in the midst of the golden

mountains.(1)

f(1) Lucian, in his 'Hermotimus,' speaks of these golden mountains as an

apocryphal land of wonders and prodigies.

DICAEOPOLIS

And how long was he replacing his dress?

AMBASSADOR

The whole period of a full moon; after which he returned to his palace;

then he entertained us and had us served with oxen roasted whole

in an oven.

DICAEOPOLIS

Who ever saw an oxen baked in an oven?  What a lie!

AMBASSADOR

On my honour, he also had us served with a bird three

times as large as Cleonymus,(1) and called the Boaster.

f(1) Cleonymus was an Athenian general of exceptionally tall stature;

Aristophanes incessantly rallies him for his cowardice; he had cast away

his buckler in a fight.

DICAEOPOLIS

And do we give you two drachmae, that you should treat us to all

this humbug?

AMBASSADOR

We are bringing to you Pseudartabas(1), the King's Eye.

f(1) A name borne by certain officials of the King of Persia.  The actor of

this part wore a mask, fitted with a single eye of great size.

DICAEOPOLIS

I would a crow might pluck out thine with his beak, you cursed

ambassador!

HERALD

The King's Eye!

DICAEOPOLIS

Eh!  Great Gods!  Friend, with thy great eye, round like the hole through

which the oarsman passes his sweep, you have the air of a galley

doubling a cape to gain port.

AMBASSADOR

Come, Pseudartabas, give forth the message for the Athenians

with which you were charged by the Great King.

PSEUDARTABAS

Jartaman exarx 'anapissonia satra.(1)

f(1) Jargon, no doubt meaningless in all languages.

AMBASSADOR

Do you understand what he says?

DICAEOPOLIS

By Apollo, not I!

AMBASSADOR (TO THE PRYTANES)

He says that the Great King will send you gold.  Come, utter the word

'gold' louder and more distinctly.

PSEUDARTABAS

Thou shalt not have gold, thou gaping-arsed Ionian.(1)

f(1) The Persians styled all Greeks 'Ionians' without distinction; here

the Athenians are intended.

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! may the gods forgive me, but that is clear enough!

AMBASSADOR

What does he say?

DICAEOPOLIS

That the Ionians are debauchees and idiots, if they expect to receive

gold from the barbarians.

AMBASSADOR

Not so, he speaks of medimni(1) of gold.

f(1) A Greek measure, containing about six modii.

DICAEOPOLIS

What medimni?  Thou are but a great braggart; but get your way; I

will find out the truth by myself.  Come now, answer me clearly, if you

do not wish me to dye your skin red.  Will the Great King send us gold?

(PSEUDARTABAS MAKES A NEGATIVE SIGN.) Then our ambassadors

are seeking to deceive us?  (PSEUDARTABAS SIGNS AFFIRMATIVELY.)

These fellows make signs like any Greek; I am sure that they are

nothing but Athenians.  Oh! ho! I recognize one of these eunuchs; it is

Clisthenes, the son of Sibyrtius.(1) Behold the effrontery of this shaven

rump!  How! great baboon, with such a beard do you seek to play the

eunuch to us?  And this other one?  Is it not Straton?

f(1) Noted for his extreme ugliness and his obscenity.  Aristophanes

frequently holds him to scorn in his comedies.

HERALD

Silence!  Let all be seated.  The Senate invites the King's Eye to the

Prytaneum.(1)

f(1) Ambassadors were entertained there at the public expense.

DICAEOPOLIS

Is this not sufficient to drive one to hang oneself?  Here I

stand chilled to the bone, whilst the doors of the Prytaneum fly

wide open to lodge such rascals.  But I will do something great and

bold.  Where is Amphitheus?  Come and speak with me.

AMPHITHEUS

Here I am.

DICAEOPOLIS

Take these eight drachmae and go and conclude a truce with the

Lacedaemonians for me, my wife and my children; I leave you free,

my dear citizens, to send out embassies and to stand gaping in the air.

HERALD

Bring in Theorus, who has returned from the Court of Sitalces.(1)

f(1) King of Thrace.

THEORUS

I am here.

DICAEOPOLIS

Another humbug!

THEORUS

We should not have remained long in Thrace...

DICAEOPOLIS

Forsooth, no, if you had not been well paid.

THEORUS

...if the country had not been covered with snow; the rivers were

ice-bound at the time that Theognis(1) brought out his tragedy here;

during the whole of that time I was holding my own with

Sitalces, cup in hand; and, in truth, he adored you to such a degree,

that he wrote on the walls, "How beautiful are the Athenians!" His

son, to whom we gave the freedom of the city, burned with desire to

come here and eat chitterlings at the feast of the Apaturia;(2) he prayed

his father to come to the aid of his new country and Sitalces swore on

his goblet that he would succour us with such a host that the Athenians

would exclaim, "What a cloud of grasshoppers!"

f(1) The tragic poet.

f(2) A feast lasting three days and celebrated during the month Pyanepsion

(November).  The Greek word contains the suggestion of fraud.

DICAEOPOLIS

May I die if I believe a word of what you tell us!  Excepting the

grasshoppers, there is not a grain of truth in it all!

THEORUS

And he has sent you the most warlike soldiers of all Thrace.

DICAEOPOLIS

Now we shall begin to see clearly.

HERALD

Come hither, Thracians, whom Theorus brought.

DICAEOPOLIS

What plague have we here?

THEORUS

'Tis the host of the Odomanti.(1)

f(1) A Thracian tribe from the right bank of the Strymon.

DICAEOPOLIS

Of the Odomanti?  Tell me what it means.  Who has mutilated them

like this?

THEORUS

If they are given a wage of two drachmae, they will put all

Boeotia(1) to fire and sword.

f(1) The Boeotians were the allies of Sparta.

DICAEOPOLIS

Two drachmae to those circumcised hounds!  Groan aloud, ye people

of rowers, bulwark of Athens!  Ah! great gods! I am undone; these

Odomanti are robbing me of my garlic!(1) Will you give me back

my garlic?

f(1) Dicaeopolis had brought a clove of garlic with him to eat during

the Assembly.

THEORUS

Oh! wretched man! do not go near them; they have eaten garlic(1).

f(1) Garlic was given to game-cocks, before setting them at each other,

to give them pluck for the fight.

DICAEOPOLIS

Prytanes, will you let me be treated in this manner, in my own

country and by barbarians?  But I oppose the discussion of paying

a wage to the Thracians; I announce an omen; I have just felt a drop

of rain.(1)

f(1) At the lest unfavourable omen, the sitting of the Assembly was

declared at an end.

HERALD

Let the Thracians withdraw and return the day after tomorrow;

the Prytanes declare the sitting at an end.

DICAEOPOLIS

Ye gods, what garlic I have lost!  But here comes Amphitheus

returned from Lacedaemon.  Welcome, Amphitheus.

AMPHITHEUS

No, there is no welcome for me and I fly as fast as I can, for I

am pursued by the Acharnians.

DICAEOPOLIS

Why, what has happened?

AMPHITHEUS

I was hurrying to bring your treaty of truce, but some old dotards

from Acharnae(1) got scent of the thing; they are veterans of Marathon,

tough as oak or maple, of which they are made for sure—rough and

ruthless.  They all started a-crying: "Wretch!  you are the bearer of

a treaty, and the enemy has only just cut our vines!" Meanwhile they

were gathering stones in their cloaks, so I fled and they ran after

me shouting.

f(1) The deme of Acharnae was largely inhabited by charcoal-burners,

who supplied the city with fuel.

DICAEOPOLIS

Let 'em shout as much as they please!  But HAVE you brought me

a treaty?

AMPHITHEUS

Most certainly, here are three samples to select from,(1) this one is

five years old; take it and taste.

f(1) He presents them in the form of wines contained in three separate

skins.

DICAEOPOLIS

Faugh!

AMPHITHEUS

Well?

DICAEOPOLIS

It does not please me; it smells of pitch and of the ships they are

fitting out.(1)

f(1) Meaning, preparations for war.

AMPHITHEUS

Here is another, ten years old; taste it.

DICAEOPOLIS

It smells strongly of the delegates, who go around the towns

to chide the allies for their slowness.(1)

f(1) Meaning, securing allies for the continuance of the war.

AMPHITHEUS

This last is a truce of thirty years, both on sea and land.

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh! by Bacchus! what a bouquet!  It has the aroma of nectar and

ambrosia; this does not say to us, "Provision yourselves for three

days." But it lisps the gentle numbers, "Go whither you will."(1)

I accept it, ratify it, drink it at one draught and consign the

Acharnians to limbo.  Freed from the war and its ills, I shall

keep the Dionysia(2) in the country.

f(1) When Athens sent forth an army, the soldiers were usually ordered

to assemble at some particular spot with provisions for three days.

f(2) These feasts were also called the Anthesteria or Lenaea; the Lenaem

was a temple to Bacchus, erected outside the city.  They took place

during the month Anthesterion (February).

AMPHITHEUS

And I shall run away, for I'm mortally afraid of the Acharnians.

CHORUS

This way all!  Let us follow our man; we will demand him of

everyone we meet; the public weal makes his seizure imperative.  Ho,

there!  tell me which way the bearer of the truce has gone; he has escaped

us, he has disappeared.  Curse old age!  When I was young, in the days

when I followed Phayllus,(1) running with a sack of coals on my back, this

wretch would not have eluded my pursuit, let him be as swift as he will;

but now my limbs are stiff; old Lacratides(2) feels his legs are

weighty and the traitor escapes me.  No, no, let us follow him; old

Acharnians like ourselves shall not be set at naught by a

scoundrel, who has dared, great gods!  to conclude a truce, when I wanted

the war continued with double fury in order to avenge my ruined lands.

No mercy for our foes until I have pierced their hearts like sharp

reed, so that they dare never again ravage my vineyards.

Come, let us seek the rascal; let us look everywhere, carrying our

stones in our hands; let us hunt him from place to place until we trap

him; I could never, never tire of the delight of stoning him.

f(1) A celebrated athlete from Croton and a victor at Olympia; he was

equally good as a runner and at the 'five exercises.'

f(2) He had been Archon at the time of the battle of Marathon.

DICAEOPOLIS

Peace! profane men!(1)

f(1) A sacred formula, pronounced by the priest before offering

the sacrifice.

CHORUS

Silence all!  Friends, do you hear the sacred formula?  Here is he,

whom we seek!  This way, all!  Get out of his way, surely he comes

to offer an oblation.

DICAEOPOLIS

Peace, profane men!  Let the basket-bearer(1) come forward, and thou

Xanthias, hold the phallus well upright.(2)

f(1) The maiden who carried the basket filled with fruits at the Dionysia

in honour of Bacchus.

f(2) The emblem of the fecundity of nature; it consisted of a representation,

generally grotesquely exaggerated, of the male genital organs;

the phallophori crowned with violets and ivy and their faces shaded

with green foliage, sang improvised airs, call 'Phallics,' full of obscenity

and suggestive 'double entendres.'

WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS

Daughter, set down the basket and let us begin the sacrifice.

DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS

Mother, hand me the ladle, that I may spread the sauce on the

cake.

DICAEOPOLIS

It is well! Oh, mighty Bacchus, it is with joy that, freed from

military duty, I and all mine perform this solemn rite and offer

thee this sacrifice; grant that I may keep the rural Dionysia

without hindrance and that this truce of thirty years may be

propitious for me.

WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS

Come, my child, carry the basket gracefully and with a grave, demure

face.  Happy he, who shall be your possessor and embrace you so firmly

at dawn,(1) that you belch wind like a weasel.  Go forward, and have a care

they don't snatch your jewels in the crowd.

f(1) The most propitious moment for Love's gambols, observes the

scholiast.

DICAEOPOLIS

Xanthias, walk behind the basket-bearer and hold the phallus well

erect; I will follow, singing the Phallic hymn; thou, wife, look on from

the top of the terrace.(1) Forward! Oh, Phales,(2) companion of the orgies

of Bacchus, night reveller, god of adultery, friend of young men, these

past six(3) years I have not been able to invoke thee.  With what joy I

return to my farmstead, thanks to the truce I have concluded, freed

from cares, from fighting and from Lamachuses!(4) How much sweeter,

oh Phales, oh, Phales, is it to surprise Thratta, the pretty woodmaid,

Strymodorus' slave, stealing wood from Mount Phelleus, to catch her

under the arms, to throw her on the ground and possess her, Oh, Phales,

Phales! If thou wilt drink and bemuse thyself with me, we shall

to-morrow consume some good dish in honour of the peace, and I will

hang up my buckler over the smoking hearth.

f(1) Married women did not join in the processions.

f(2) The god of generation, worshipped in the form of a phallus.

f(3) A remark which fixes the date of the production of 'The Acharnians,'

viz. the sixth year of the Peloponnesian War, 426 B.C.

f(4) Lamachus was an Athenian general, who figures later in this comedy.

CHORUS

It is he, he himself.  Stone him, stone him, stone him, strike

the wretch.  All, all of you, pelt him, pelt him!

DICAEOPOLIS

What is this?  By Heracles, you will smash my pot.(1)

f(1) At the rural Dionysia a pot of kitchen vegetables was borne in

the procession along with other emblems.

CHORUS

It is you that we are stoning, you miserable scoundrel.

DICAEOPOLIS

And for what sin, Acharnian Elders, tell me that!

CHORUS

You ask that, you impudent rascal, traitor to your country; you

alone amongst us all have concluded a truce, and you dare to look us

in the face!

DICAEOPOLIS

But you do not know WHY I have treated for peace.  Listen!

CHORUS

Listen to you?  No, no, you are about to die, we will annihilate

you with our stones.

DICAEOPOLIS

But first of all, listen.  Stop, my friends.

CHORUS

I will hear nothing; do not address me; I hate you more than I

do Cleon,(1) whom one day I shall flay to make sandals for the Knights.

Listen to your long speeches, after you have treated with the

Laconians?  No, I will punish you.

f(1) Cleon the Demagogue was a currier originally by trade.  He was the

sworn foe and particular detestation of the Knights or aristocratic party

generally.

DICAEOPOLIS

Friends, leave the Laconians out of debate and consider only

whether I have not done well to conclude my truce.

CHORUS

Done well! when you have treated with a people who know neither

gods, nor truth, nor faith.

DICAEOPOLIS

We attribute too much to the Laconians; as for myself, I know that

they are not the cause of all our troubles.

CHORUS

Oh, indeed, rascal!  You dare to use such language to me and then

expect me to spare you!

DICAEOPOLIS

No, no, they are not the cause of all our troubles, and I who

address you claim to be able to prove that they have much to

complain of in us.

CHORUS

This passes endurance; my heart bounds with fury.  Thus you dare to

defend our enemies.

DICAEOPOLIS

Were my head on the block I would uphold what I say and rely on

the approval of the people.

CHORUS

Comrades, let us hurl our stones and dye this fellow purple.

DICAEOPOLIS

What black fire-brand has inflamed your heart!  You will not hear

me?  You really will not, Acharnians?

CHORUS

No, a thousand times, no.

DICAEOPOLIS

This is a hateful injustice.

CHORUS

May I die, if I listen.

DICAEOPOLIS

Nay, nay! have mercy, have mercy, Acharnians.

CHORUS

You shall die.

DICAEOPOLIS

Well, blood for blood!  I will kill your dearest friend.  I have

here the hostages of Acharnae;(1) I shall disembowel them.

f(1) That is, the baskets of charcoal.

CHORUS

Acharnians, what means this threat?  Has he got one of our children

in his house?  What gives him such audacity?

DICAEOPOLIS

Stone me, if it please you; I shall avenge myself on this.

(SHOWS A BASKET.) Let us see whether you have any love

for your coals.

CHORUS

Great Gods! this basket is our fellow-citizen.  Stop, stop,

in heaven's name!

DICAEOPOLIS

I shall dismember it despite your cries; I will listen to nothing.

CHORUS

How! will you kill this coal-basket, my beloved comrade?

DICAEOPOLIS

Just now, you would not listen to me.

CHORUS

Well, speak now, if you will; tell us, tell us you have a weakness

for the Lacedaemonians.  I consent to anything; never will I forsake

this dear little basket.

DICAEOPOLIS

First, throw down your stones.

CHORUS

There! 'tis done.  And you, do put away your sword.

DICAEOPOLIS

Let me see that no stones remain concealed in your cloaks.

CHORUS

They are all on the ground; see how we shake our garments.  Come,

no haggling, lay down your sword; we threw away everything while

crossing from one side of the stage to the other.(1)

f(1) The stage of the Greek theatre was much broader, and at the same

time shallower, than in a modern playhouse.

DICAEOPOLIS

What cries of anguish you would have uttered had these coals of

Parnes(1) been dismembered, and yet it came very near it; had they

perished, their death would have been due to the folly of their

fellow-citizens.  The poor basket was so frightened, look, it has

shed a thick black dust over me, the same as a cuttle-fish does.

What an irritable temper!  You shout and throw stones, you will not

hear my arguments—not even when I propose to speak in favour of the

Lacedaemonians with my head on the block; and yet I cling to life.

f(1) A mountain in Attica, in the neighbourhood of Acharnae.

CHORUS

Well then, bring out a block before your door, scoundrel, and

let us hear the good grounds you can give us; I am curious to know

them.  Now mind, as you proposed yourself, place your head on the block

and speak.

DICAEOPOLIS

Here is the block; and, though I am but a very sorry speaker, I

wish nevertheless to talk freely of the Lacedaemonians and without the

protection of my buckler.  Yet I have many reasons for fear.  I know our

rustics; they are delighted if some braggart comes, and rightly or

wrongly, loads both them and their city with praise and flattery; they

do not see that such toad-eaters(1) are traitors, who sell them for gain.

As for the old men, I know their weakness; they only seek to overwhelm

the accused with their votes.(2) Nor have I forgotten how Cleon treated

me because of my comedy last year;(3) he dragged me before the Senate

and there he uttered endless slanders against me; 'twas a tempest of

abuse, a deluge of lies.  Through what a slough of mud he dragged me!  I

almost perished.  Permit me, therefore, before I speak, to dress in the

manner most likely to draw pity.

f(1) Orators in the pay of the enemy.

f(2) Satire on the Athenians' addiction to law-suits.

f(3) 'The Babylonians.' Cleon had denounced Aristophanes to the Senate for

having scoffed at Athens before strangers, many of whom were present at

the performance.  The play is now lost.

CHORUS

What evasions, subterfuges and delays!  Hold! here is the sombre

helmet of Pluto with its thick bristling plume; Hieronymus(1) lends it to

you; then open Sisyphus'(2) bag of wiles; but hurry, hurry, pray, for

discussion does not admit of delay.

f(1) A tragic poet; we know next to nothing of him or his works.

f(2) Son of Aeolus, renowned in fable for his robberies, and for the tortures

to which he was put by Pluto.  He was cunning enough to break loose out

of hell, but Hermes brought him back again.

DICAEOPOLIS

The time has come for me to manifest my courage, so I will go

and seek Euripides.  Ho! slave, slave!

SLAVE

Who's there?

DICAEOPOLIS

Is Euripides at home?

SLAVE

He is and he isn't; understand that, if you have wit for't.

DICAEOPOLIS

How?  He is and he isn't!(1)

f(1) This whole scene is directed at Euripides; Aristophanes ridicules the

subtleties of his poetry and the trickeries of his staging, which, according

to him, he only used to attract the less refined among his audience.

SLAVE

Certainly, old man; busy gathering subtle fancies here and

there, his mind is not in the house, but he himself is; perched aloft,

he is composing a tragedy.

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh, Euripides, you are indeed happy to have a slave so quick at

repartee!  Now, fellow, call your master.

SLAVE

Impossible!

DICAEOPOLIS

So much the worse.  But I will not go.  Come, let us knock at the door.

Euripides, my little Euripides, my darling Euripides, listen;

never had man greater right to your pity.  It is Dicaeopolis of the

Chollidan Deme who calls you.  Do you hear?

EURIPIDES

I have no time to waste.

DICAEOPOLIS

Very well, have yourself wheeled out here.(1)

f(1) "Wheeled out"—that is, by means of a mechanical contrivance of

the Greek stage, by which an interior was shown, the set scene

with performers, etc., all complete, being in some way, which cannot

be clearly made out from the descriptions, swung out or wheeled out

on to the main stage.

EURIPIDES

Impossible.

DICAEOPOLIS

Nevertheless...

EURIPIDES

Well, let them roll me out; as to coming down, I have not

the time.

DICAEOPOLIS

Euripides....

EURIPIDES

What words strike my ear?

DICAEOPOLIS

You perch aloft to compose tragedies, when you might just as

well do them on the ground.  I am not astonished at your introducing

cripples on the stage.(1) And why dress in these miserable tragic rags?

I do not wonder that your heroes are beggars.  But, Euripides, on my knees

I beseech you, give me the tatters of some old piece; for I have to

treat the Chorus to a long speech, and if I do it ill it is all over

with me.

f(1) Having been lamed, it is of course implied, by tumbling from the lofty

apparatus on which the Author sat perched to write his tragedies.

EURIPIDES

What rags do you prefer?  Those in which I rigged out Aeneus(1) on

the stage, that unhappy, miserable old man?

f(1) Euripides delighted, or was supposed by his critic Aristophanes to

delight, in the representation of misery and wretchedness on the stage.

'Aeneus,' 'Phoenix,' 'Philoctetes,' 'Bellerophon,' 'Telephus,' Ino' are titles

of six tragedies of his in this genre of which fragments are extant.

DICAEOPOLIS

No, I want those of some hero still more unfortunate.

EURIPIDES

Of Phoenix, the blind man?

DICAEOPOLIS

No, not of Phoenix, you have another hero more unfortunate than him.

EURIPIDES

Now, what tatters DOES he want?  Do you mean those of the beggar

Philoctetes?

DICAEOPOLIS

No, of another far more the mendicant.

EURIPIDES

Is it the filthy dress of the lame fellow, Bellerophon?

DICAEOPOLIS

No, 'tis not Bellerophon; he, whom I mean, was not only lame and a

beggar, but boastful and a fine speaker.

EURIPIDES

Ah! I know, it is Telephus, the Mysian.

DICAEOPOLIS

Yes, Telephus.  Give me his rags, I beg of you.

EURIPIDES

Slave! give him Telephus' tatters; they are on top of the rags

of Thyestes and mixed with those of Ino.

SLAVE

Catch hold! here they are.

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh! Zeus, whose eye pierces everywhere and embraces all, permit me

to assume the most wretched dress on earth.  Euripides, cap your

kindness by giving me the little Mysian hat, that goes so well with

these tatters.  I must to-day have the look of a beggar; "be what I am,

but not appear to be";(1) the audience will know well who I am, but

the Chorus will be fools enough not to, and I shall dupe 'em with my

subtle phrases.

f(1)

Line borrowed from Euripides.  A great number of verses are similarly

parodied in this scene.

EURIPIDES

I will give you the hat; I love the clever tricks of an ingenious

brain like yours.

DICAEOPOLIS

Rest happy, and may it befall Telephus as I wish.  Ah!  I already

feel myself filled with quibbles.  But I must have a beggar's staff.

EURIPIDES

Here you are, and now get you gone from this porch.

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh, my soul!  You see how you are driven from this house, when I

still need so many accessories.  But let us be pressing, obstinate,

importunate.  Euripides, give me a little basket with a lamp alight inside.

EURIPIDES

Whatever do you want such a thing as that for?

DICAEOPOLIS

I do not need it, but I want it all the same.

EURIPIDES

You importune me; get you gone!

DICAEOPOLIS

Alas! may the gods grant you a destiny as brilliant as your

mother's.(1)

f(1) Report said that Euripides' mother had sold vegetables on the market.

EURIPIDES

Leave me in peace.

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh, just a little broken cup.

EURIPIDES

Take it and go and hang yourself.  What a tiresome fellow!

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! you do not know all the pain you cause me.  Dear, good

Euripides, nothing beyond a small pipkin stoppered with a sponge.

EURIPIDES

Miserable man!  You are robbing me of an entire tragedy.(1) Here, take it

and be off.

f(1) Aristophanes means, of course, to imply that the whole talent of

Euripides lay in these petty details of stage property.

DICAEOPOLIS

I am going, but, great gods! I need one thing more; unless I

have it, I am a dead man.  Hearken, my little Euripides, only give me

this and I go, never to return.  For pity's sake, do give me a few

small herbs for my basket.

EURIPIDES

You wish to ruin me then.  Here, take what you want; but it is

all over with my pieces!

DICAEOPOLIS

I won't ask another thing; I'm going.  I am too importunate and

forget that I rouse against me the hate of kings.—Ah! wretch that I am!

I am lost!  I have forgotten one thing, without which all the rest is

as nothing.  Euripides, my excellent Euripides, my dear little Euripides,

may I die if I ask you again for the smallest present; only one, the last,

absolutely the last; give me some of the chervil your mother left

you in her will.

EURIPIDES

Insolent hound!  Slave, lock the door!

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh, my soul!  I must go away without the chervil.  Art thou

sensible of the dangerous battle we are about to engage upon in

defending the Lacedaemonians?  Courage, my soul, we must plunge

into the midst of it.  Dost thou hesitate and art thou fully steeped

in Euripides?  That's right! do not falter, my poor heart, and let us risk

our head to say what we hold for truth.  Courage and boldly to

the front.  I wonder I am so brave.

CHORUS

What do you purport doing?  what are you going to say?  What an

impudent fellow!  what a brazen heart!  to dare to stake his head and

uphold an opinion contrary to that of us all!  And he does not

tremble to face this peril.  Come, it is you who desired it, speak!

DICAEOPOLIS

Spectators, be not angered if, although I am a beggar, I dare in

a Comedy to speak before the people of Athens of the public weal;

Comedy too can sometimes discern what is right.  I shall not please,

but I shall say what is true.  Besides, Cleon shall not be able to accuse

me of attacking Athens before strangers;(1) we are by ourselves at the

festival of the Lenaea; the period when our allies send us their tribute

and their soldiers is not yet.  Here is only the pure wheat

without chaff; as to the resident strangers settled among us, they

and the citizens are one, like the straw and the ear.

I detest the Lacedaemonians with all my heart, and may Posidon,

the god of Taenarus,(2) cause an earthquake and overturn their dwellings!

My vines also have been cut.  But come (there are only friends who

hear me), why accuse the Laconians of all our woes?  Some men (I do not

say the city, note particularly that I do not say the city), some

wretches, lost in vices, bereft of honour, who were not even

citizens of good stamp, but strangers, have accused the Megarians of

introducing their produce fraudulently, and not a cucumber, a leveret,

a suck(l)ing pig, a clove of garlic, a lump of salt was seen without its

being said, "Halloa!  these come from Megara," and their being

instantly confiscated.  Thus far the evil was not serious and we were

the only sufferers.  But now some young drunkards go to Megara and

carry off the courtesan Simaetha; the Megarians, hurt to the quick, run

off in turn with two harlots of the house of Aspasia; and so for three

gay women Greece is set ablaze.  Then Pericles, aflame with ire on his

Olympian height, let loose the lightning, caused the thunder to

roll, upset Greece and passed an edict, which ran like the song, "That

the Megarians be banished both from our land and from our markets

and from the sea and from the continent."(3) Meanwhile the Megarians,

who were beginning to die of hunger, begged the Lacedaemonians to bring

about the abolition of the decree, of which those harlots were the

cause; several times we refused their demand; and from that time there

was horrible clatter of arms everywhere.  You will say that Sparta

was wrong, but what should she have done?  Answer that.  Suppose that

a Lacedaemonian had seized a little Seriphian(4) dog on any pretext and

had sold it, would you have endured it quietly?  Far from it, you would

at once have sent three hundred vessels to sea, and what an uproar

there would have been through all the city!  there 'tis a band of

noisy soldiery, here a brawl about the election of a Trierarch;

elsewhere pay is being distributed, the Pallas figure-heads are

being regilded, crowds are surging under the market porticos,

encumbered with wheat that is being measured, wine-skins,

oar-leathers, garlic, olives, onions in nets; everywhere are chaplets,

sprats, flute-girls, black eyes; in the arsenal bolts are being

noisily driven home, sweeps are being made and fitted with leathers;

we hear nothing but the sound of whistles, of flutes and fifes to

encourage the work-folk.  That is what you assuredly would have done,

and would not Telephus have done the same?  So I come to my general

conclusion; we have no common sense.

f(1) 'The Babylonians' had been produced at a time of year when Athens

was crowded with strangers; 'The Acharnians,' on the contrary, was played

in December.

f(2) Sparta had been menaced with an earthquake in 427 B.C.  Posidon

was 'The Earthshaker,' god of earthquakes, as well as of the sea.

f(3) A song by Timocreon the Rhodian, the words of which were practically

identical with Pericles' decree.

f(4) A small and insignificant island, one of the Cyclades, allied with

the Athenians, like months of these islands previous to and during

the first part of the Peloponnesian War.

FIRST SEMI-CHORUS

Oh! wretch! oh! infamous man!  You are naught but a beggar and

yet you dare to talk to us like this!  you insult their worships

the informers!

SECOND SEMI-CHORUS

By Posidon! he speaks the truth; he has not lied in a single detail.

FIRST SEMI-CHORUS

But though it be true, need he say it?  But you'll have no great

cause to be proud of your insolence!

SECOND SEMI-CHORUS

Where are you running to?  Don't you move; if you strike this man,

I shall be at you.

FIRST SEMI-CHORUS

Lamachus, whose glance flashes lightning, whose plume

petrifies thy foes, help!  Oh! Lamachus, my friend, the hero of my

tribe and all of you, both officers and soldiers, defenders of our

walls, come to my aid; else is it all over with me!

LAMACHUS

Whence comes this cry of battle?  where must I bring my aid?

where must I sow dread?  who wants me to uncase my dreadful Gorgon's

head?(1)

f(1) A figure of Medusa's head, forming the centre of Lamachus' shield.

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh, Lamachus, great hero!  Your plumes and your cohorts terrify me.

CHORUS

This man, Lamachus, incessantly abuses Athens.

LAMACHUS

You are but a mendicant and you dare to use language of this sort?

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh, brave Lamachus, forgive a beggar who speaks at hazard.

LAMACHUS

But what have you said?  Let us hear.

DICAEOPOLIS

I know nothing about it; the sight of weapons makes me dizzy.

Oh! I adjure you, take that fearful Gorgon somewhat farther away.

LAMACHUS

There.

DICAEOPOLIS

Now place it face downwards on the ground.

LAMACHUS

It is done.

DICAEOPOLIS

Give me a plume out of your helmet.

LAMACHUS

Here is a feather.

DICAEOPOLIS

And hold my head while I vomit; the plumes have turned my stomach.

LAMACHUS

Hah! what are you proposing to do?  do you want to make yourself

vomit with this feather?

DICAEOPOLIS

Is it a feather?  what bird's?  a braggart's?

LAMACHUS

Ah! ah! I will rip you open.

DICAEOPOLIS

No, no, Lamachus!  Violence is out of place here!  But as you are so

strong, why did you not circumcise me?  You have all the tools you want

for the operation there.

LAMACHUS

A beggar dares thus address a general!

DICAEOPOLIS

How?  Am I a beggar?

LAMACHUS

What are you then?

DICAEOPOLIS

Who am I?  A good citizen, not ambitious; a soldier, who has fought

well since the outbreak of the war, whereas you are but a vile

mercenary.

LAMACHUS

They elected me...

DICAEOPOLIS

Yes, three cuckoos did!(1) If I have concluded peace, 'twas

disgust that drove me; for I see men with hoary heads in the ranks and

young fellows of your age shirking service.  Some are in Thrace getting

an allowance of three drachmae, such fellows as Tisamenophoenippus

and Panurgipparchides.  The others are with Chares or in Chaonia, men

like Geretotheodorus and Diomialazon; there are some of the same

kidney, too, at Camarina and at Gela,(2) the laughing-stock of all and sundry.

f(1) Indicates the character of his election, which was arranged, so

Aristophanes implies, by his partisans.

f(2) Town in Sicily.  There is a pun on the name Gela and 'ridiculous'

which it is impossible to keep in English.  Apparently the Athenians

had sent embassies to all parts of the Greek world to arrange treaties

of alliance in view of the struggle with the Lacedaemonians; but only

young debauchees of aristocratic connections had been chosen as envoys.

LAMACHUS

They were elected.

DICAEOPOLIS

And why do you always receive your pay, when none of these

others ever gets any?  Speak, Marilades, you have grey hair; well then,

have you ever been entrusted with a mission?  See! he shakes his

head.  Yet he is an active as well as a prudent man.  And you, Dracyllus,

Euphorides or Prinides, have you knowledge of Ecbatana or

Chaonia?  You say no, do you not?  Such offices are good for the son

of Caesyra(1) and Lamachus, who, but yesterday ruined with debt, never

pay their shot, and whom all their friends avoid as foot passengers

dodge the folks who empty their slops out of window.

f(1) A contemporary orator apparently, otherwise unknown.

LAMACHUS

Oh! in freedom's name! are such exaggerations to be borne?

DICAEOPOLIS

Lamachus is well content; no doubt he is well paid, you know.

LAMACHUS

But I propose always to war with the Peloponnesians, both at sea, on land

and everywhere to make them tremble, and trounce them soundly.

DICAEOPOLIS

For my own part, I make proclamation to all Peloponnesians,

Megarians and Boeotians, that to them my markets are open; but I debar

Lamachus from entering them.

CHORUS

Convinced by this man's speech, the folk have changed their view

and approve him for having concluded peace.  But let us prepare for the

recital of the parabasis.(1)

Never since our poet presented Comedies, has he praised himself

upon the stage; but, having been slandered by his enemies amongst

the volatile Athenians, accused of scoffing at his country and of

insulting the people, to-day he wishes to reply and regain for himself

the inconstant Athenians.  He maintains that he has done much that is

good for you; if you no longer allow yourselves to be too much

hoodwinked by strangers or seduced by flattery, if in politics you are

no longer the ninnies you once were, it is thanks to him.  Formerly,

when delegates from other cities wanted to deceive you, they had but

to style you, "the people crowned with violets," and at the word

"violets" you at once sat erect on the tips of your bums.  Or if, to

tickle your vanity, someone spoke of "rich and sleek Athens," in

return for that "sleekness" he would get all, because he spoke of you

as he would have of anchovies in oil.  In cautioning you against

such wiles, the poet has done you great service as well as

in forcing you to understand what is really the democratic

principle.  Thus, the strangers, who came to pay their tributes,

wanted to see this great poet, who had dared to speak the truth to

Athens.  And so far has the fame of his boldness reached that one day

the Great King, when questioning the Lacedaemonian delegates, first

asked them which of the two rival cities was the superior at sea,

and then immediately demanded at which it was that the comic poet

directed his biting satire.  "Happy that city," he added, "if it

listens to his counsel; it will grow in power, and its victory is

assured." This is why the Lacedaemonians offer you peace, if you

will cede them Aegina; not that they care for the isle, but they

wish to rob you of your poet.(2) As for you, never lose him, who will

always fight for the cause of justice in his Comedies; he promises you

that his precepts will lead you to happiness, though he uses neither

flattery, nor bribery, nor intrigue, nor deceit; instead of loading

you with praise, he will point you to the better way.  I scoff at

Cleon's tricks and plotting; honesty and justice shall fight my cause;

never will you find me a political poltroon, a prostitute to the

highest bidder.

I invoke thee, Acharnian Muse, fierce and fell as the devouring fire;

sudden as the spark that bursts from the crackling oaken coal when

roused by the quickening fan to fry little fishes, while others knead

the dough or whip the sharp Thasian pickle with rapid hand, so break

forth, my Muse, and inspire thy tribesmen with rough, vigorous,

stirring strains.

We others, now old men and heavy with years, we reproach the city;

so many are the victories we have gained for the Athenian fleets

that we well deserve to be cared for in our declining life; yet far

from this, we are ill-used, harassed with law-suits, delivered over to

the scorn of stripling orators.  Our minds and bodies being ravaged

with age, Posidon should protect us, yet we have no other support than

a staff.  When standing before the judge, we can scarcely stammer forth

the fewest words, and of justice we see but its barest shadow, whereas

the accuser, desirous of conciliating the younger men, overwhelms us

with his ready rhetoric; he drags us before the judge, presses us with

questions, lays traps for us; the onslaught troubles, upsets and ruins

poor old Tithonus, who, crushed with age, stands tongue-tied;

sentenced to a fine,(3) he weeps, he sobs and says to his friend,

"This fine robs me of the last trifle that was to have bought my coffin."

Is this not a scandal?  What! the clepsydra(4) is to kill the

white-haired veteran, who, in fierce fighting, has so oft covered

himself with glorious sweat, whose valour at Marathon saved the

country!  'Twas we who pursued on the field of Marathon,

whereas now 'tis wretches who pursue us to the death and crush us!

What would Marpsias reply to this?(5) What an injustice that a man,

bent with age like Thucydides, should be brow-beaten by this braggart

advocate, Cephisodemus,(6) who is as savage as the Scythian desert

he was born in! Is it not to convict him from the outset?  I wept tears

of pity when I saw an Archer(7) maltreat this old man, who, by Ceres,

when he was young and the true Thucydides, would not have permitted

an insult from Ceres herself!  At that date he would have floored

ten orators, he would have terrified three thousand Archers with his

shouts; he would have pierced the whole line of the enemy with his shafts.

Ah!  but if you will not leave the aged in peace, decree that the advocates

be matched; thus the old man will only be confronted with a toothless

greybeard, the young will fight with the braggart, the ignoble

with the son of Clinias;(8) make a law that in the future, the old man

can only be summoned and convicted at the courts by the aged

and the young man by the youth.

f(1) The 'parabasis' in the Old Comedy was a sort of address or topical

harangue addressed directly by the poet, speaking by the Chorus,

to the audience.  It was nearly always political in bearing, and the subject

of the particular piece was for the time being set aside altogether.

f(2) It will be remembered that Aristophanes owned land in Aegina.

f(3) Everything was made the object of a law-suit in Athens.  The old

soldiers, inexpert at speaking, often lost the day.

f(4) A water-clock used to limit the length of speeches in the courts.

f(5) A braggart speaker, fiery and pugnacious.

f(6) Cephisodemus was an Athenian, but through his mother possessed

Scythian blood.

f(7) The city of Athens was policed by Scythian archers.

f(8) Alcibiades.

DICAEOPOLIS

These are the confines of my market-place.  All Peloponnesians,

Megarians, Boeotians, have the right to come and trade here,

provided they sell their wares to me and not to Lamachus.  As

market-inspectors I appoint these three whips of Leprean(1) leather,

chosen by lot.  Warned away are all informers and all men of Phasis.(2)

They are bringing me the pillar on which the treaty is inscribed(3) and

I shall erect it in the centre of the market, well in sight of all.

f(1) The leather market was held in Lepros, outside the city.

f(2) Mean an informer ((from the Greek) 'to denounce').

f(3) According to the Athenian custom.

A MEGARIAN

Hail! market of Athens, beloved of Megarians.  Let Zeus, the patron

of friendship, witness, I regretted you as a mother mourns her son.

Come, poor little daughters of an unfortunate father, try to find

something to eat; listen to me with the full heed of an empty belly.

Which would you prefer?  To be sold or to cry with hunger?

DAUGHTERS

To be sold, to be sold!

MEGARIAN

That is my opinion too.  But who would make so sorry a deal as to

buy you?  Ah! I recall me a Megarian trick; I am going to disguise

you as little porkers, that I am offering for sale.  Fit your hands

with these hoofs and take care to appear the issue of a sow of good

breed, for, if I am forced to take you back to the house, by Hermes!

you will suffer cruelly of hunger!  Then fix on these snouts and cram

yourselves into this sack.  Forget not to grunt and to say wee-wee like

the little pigs that are sacrificed in the Mysteries.  I must summon

Dicaeopolis.  Where is be?  Dicaeopolis, do you want to buy

some nice little porkers?

DICAEOPOLIS

Who are you?  a Megarian?

MEGARIAN

I have come to your market.

DICAEOPOLIS

Well, how are things at Megara?(1)

f(1) Megara was allied to Sparta and suffered during the war more than

any other city because of its proximity to Athens.

MEGARIAN

We are crying with hunger at our firesides.

DICAEOPOLIS

The fireside is jolly enough with a piper.  But what else is

doing at Megara, eh?

MEGARIAN

What else?  When I left for the market, the authorities were taking

steps to let us die in the quickest manner.

DICAEOPOLIS

That is the best way to get you out of all your troubles.

MEGARIAN

True.

DICAEOPOLIS

What other news of Megara?  What is wheat selling at?

MEGARIAN

With us it is valued as highly as the very gods in heaven!

DICAEOPOLIS

Is it salt that you are bringing?

MEGARIAN

Are you not holding back the salt?

DICAEOPOLIS

'Tis garlic then?

MEGARIAN

What! garlic!  do you not at every raid grub up the ground with your

pikes to pull out every single head?

DICAEOPOLIS

What DO you bring then?

MEGARIAN

Little sows, like those they immolate at the Mysteries.

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! very well, show me them.

MEGARIAN

They are very fine; feel their weight.  See! how fat and fine.

DICAEOPOLIS

But what is this?

MEGARIAN

A SOW, for a certainty.(1)

f(1) Throughout this whole scene there is an obscene play upon (a) word

which means in Greek both 'sow' and 'a woman's organs of generation.'

DICAEOPOLIS

You say a sow!  Of what country, then?

MEGARIAN

From Megara.  What! is it not a sow then?

DICAEOPOLIS

No, I don't believe it is.

MEGARIAN

This is too much!  what an incredulous man!  He says 'tis not a sow;

but we will stake, an you will, a measure of salt ground up with

thyme, that in good Greek this is called a sow and nothing else.

DICAEOPOLIS

But a sow of the human kind.

MEGARIAN

Without question, by Diocles! of my own breed!  Well! What think

you?  will you hear them squeal?

DICAEOPOLIS

Well, yes, I' faith, I will.

MEGARIAN

Cry quickly, wee sowlet; squeak up, hussy, or by Hermes! I take you

back to the house.

GIRL

Wee-wee, wee-wee!

MEGARIAN

Is that a little sow, or not?

DICAEOPOLIS

Yes, it seems so; but let it grow up, and it will be a fine fat bitch.

MEGARIAN

In five years it will be just like its mother.

DICAEOPOLIS

But it cannot be sacrificed.

MEGARIAN

And why not?

DICAEOPOLIS

It has no tail.(1)

f(1) Sacrificial victims were bound to be perfect in every part; an animal,

therefore, without a tail could not be offered.

MEGARIAN

Because it is quite young, but in good time it will have a big one,

thick and red.

DICAEOPOLIS

The two are as like as two peas.

MEGARIAN

They are born of the same father and mother; let them be fattened,

let them grow their bristles, and they will be the finest sows you can

offer to Aphrodite.

DICAEOPOLIS

But sows are not immolated to Aphrodite.

MEGARIAN

Not sows to Aphrodite!  Why, 'tis the only goddess to whom they

are offered!  the flesh of my sows will be excellent on the spit.

DICAEOPOLIS

Can they eat alone?  They no longer need their mother!

MEGARIAN

Certainly not, nor their father.

DICAEOPOLIS

What do they like most?

MEGARIAN

Whatever is given them; but ask for yourself.

DICAEOPOLIS

Speak! little sow.

DAUGHTER

Wee-wee, wee-wee!

DICAEOPOLIS

Can you eat chick-pease?

DAUGHTER

Wee-wee, wee-wee, wee-wee!

DICAEOPOLIS

And Attic figs?

DAUGHTER

Wee-wee, wee-wee!

DICAEOPOLIS

What sharp squeaks at the name of figs.  Come, let some figs be

brought for these little pigs.  Will they eat them?  Goodness! how

they munch them, what a grinding of teeth, mighty Heracles! I

believe those pigs hail from the land of the Voracians.  But surely

'tis impossible they have bolted all the figs!

MEGARIAN

Yes, certainly, bar this one that I took from them.

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! what funny creatures!  For what sum will you sell them?

MEGARIAN

I will give you one for a bunch of garlic, and the other, if you

like, for a quart measure of salt.

DICAEOPOLIS

I buy them of you.  Wait for me here.

MEGARIAN

The deal is done.  Hermes, god of good traders, grant I may sell

both my wife and my mother in the same way!

AN INFORMER

Hi! fellow, what countryman are you?

MEGARIAN

I am a pig-merchant from Megara.

INFORMER

I shall denounce both your pigs and yourself as public enemies.

MEGARIAN

Ah! here our troubles begin afresh!

INFORMER

Let go that sack.  I will punish your Megarian lingo!(1)

f(1) The Megarians used the Doric dialect.

MEGARIAN

Dicaeopolis, Dicaeopolis, they want to denounce me.

DICAEOPOLIS

Who dares do this thing?  Inspectors, drive out the informers.

Ah! you offer to enlighten us without a lamp!(1)

f(1) A play upon (a) word which both means 'to light' and 'to denounce.'

INFORMER

What! I may not denounce our enemies?

DICAEOPOLIS

Have a care for yourself, if you don't go off pretty quick to denounce

elsewhere.

MEGARIAN

What a plague to Athens!

DICAEOPOLIS

Be reassured, Megarian.  Here is the price for your two swine,

the garlic and the salt.  Farewell and much happiness!

MEGARIAN

Ah! we never have that amongst us.

DICAEOPOLIS

Well! may the inopportune wish apply to myself.

MEGARIAN

Farewell, dear little sows, and seek, far from your father, to

munch your bread with salt, if they give you any.

CHORUS

Here is a man truly happy.  See how everything succeeds to his

wish.  Peacefully seated in his market, he will earn his living; woe to

Ctesias,(1) and all other informers who dare to enter there!  You will not

be cheated as to the value of wares, you will not again see Prepis(2)

wiping his foul rump, nor will Cleonymus(3) jostle you; you will take your

walks, clothed in a fine tunic, without meeting Hyperbolus(4) and his

unceasing quibblings, without being accosted on the public place by

any importunate fellow, neither by Cratinus,(5) shaven in the fashion

of the debauchees, nor by this musician, who plagues us with his silly

improvisations, Artemo, with his arm-pits stinking as foul as a goat,

like his father before him.  You will not be the butt of the villainous

Pauson's(6) jeers, nor of Lysistratus,(7) the disgrace

of the Cholargian deme, who is the incarnation of all the vices,

and endures cold and hunger more than thirty days in the month.

f(1) An informer (sycophant), otherwise unknown.

f(2) A debauchee of vile habits; a pathic.

f(3) Mentioned above; he was as proud as he was cowardly.

f(4) An Athenian general, quarrelsome and litigious, and an Informer

into the bargain.

f(5) A comic poet of vile habits.

f(6) A painter.

f(7) A debauchee, a gambler, and always in extreme poverty.

A BOEOTIAN

By Heracles! my shoulder is quite black and blue.  Ismenias, put

the penny-royal down there very gently, and all of you, musicians

from Thebes, pipe with your bone flutes into a dog's rump.(1)

f(1) This kind of flute had a bellows, made of dog-skin, much like

the bagpipes of to-day.

DICAEOPOLIS

Enough, enough, get you gone.  Rascally hornets, away with you!

Whence has sprung this accursed swarm of Charis(1) fellows which comes

assailing my door?

f(1) A flute-player, mentioned above.

BOEOTIAN

Ah!  by Iolas!(1) Drive them off, my dear host, you will please me

immensely; all the way from Thebes, they were there piping behind me

and have completely stripped my penny-royal of its blossom.

But will you buy anything of me, some chickens or some locusts?

f(1) A hero, much honoured in Thebes; nephew of Heracles.

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! good day, Boeotian, eater of good round loaves.(1) What do you

bring?

f(1) A form of bread peculiar to Boeotia.

BOEOTIAN

All that is good in Boeotia, marjoram, penny-royal, rush-mats,

lamp-wicks, ducks, jays, woodcocks, water-fowl, wrens, divers.

DICAEOPOLIS

'Tis a very hail of birds that beats down on my market.

BOEOTIAN

I also bring geese, hares, foxes, moles, hedgehogs, cats, lyres,

martins, otters and eels from the Copaic lake.(1)

f(1) A lake in Boeotia.

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! my friend, you, who bring me the most delicious of fish,

let me salute your eels.

BOEOTIAN

Come, thou, the eldest of my fifty Copaic virgins, come and

complete the joy of our host.

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh! my well-beloved, thou object of my long regrets, thou art here

at last then, thou, after whom the comic poets sigh, thou, who art

dear to Morychus.(1)  Slaves, hither with the stove and the bellows.

Look at this charming eel, that returns to us after six long years

of absence.(2)  Salute it, my children; as for myself, I will supply

coal to do honour to the stranger.  Take it into my house; death itself

could not separate me from her, if cooked with beet leaves.

f(1) He was the Lucullus of Athens.

f(2) This again fixes the date of the presentation of 'The

Acharnians' to 436 B.C., the sixth  year of the War, since the

beginning of which Boeotia had been closed to the Athenians.

BOEOTIAN

And what will you give me in return?

DICAEOPOLIS

It will pay for your market dues.  And as to the rest, what do

you wish to sell me?

BOEOTIAN

Why, everything.

DICAEOPOLIS

On what terms?  For ready-money or in wares from these parts?

BOEOTIAN

I would take some Athenian produce, that we have not got

in Boeotia.

DICAEOPOLIS

Phaleric anchovies, pottery?

BOEOTIAN

Anchovies, pottery?  But these we have.  I want produce that is

wanting with us and that is plentiful here.

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! I have the very thing; take away an Informer, packed up

carefully as crockery-ware.

BOEOTIAN

By the twin gods!  I should earn big money, if I took one; I

would exhibit him as an ape full of spite.

DICAEOPOLIS

Hah! here we have Nicarchus,(1) who comes to denounce you.

f(1) An informer.

BOEOTIAN

How small he is!

DICAEOPOLIS

But in his case the whole is one mass of ill-nature.

NICARCHUS

Whose are these goods?

DICAEOPOLIS

Mine; they come from Boeotia, I call Zeus to witness.

NICARCHUS

I denounce them as coming from an enemy's country.

BOEOTIAN

What! you declare war against birds?

NICARCHUS

And I am going to denounce you too.

BOEOTIAN

What harm have I done you?

NICARCHUS

I will say it for the benefit of those that listen; you introduce lamp-wicks

from an enemy's country.

DICAEOPOLIS

Then you go as far as denouncing a wick.

NICARCHUS

It needs but one to set an arsenal afire.

DICAEOPOLIS

A wick set an arsenal ablaze!  But how, great gods?

NICARCHUS

Should a Boeotian attach it to an insect's wing, and, taking

advantage of a violent north wind, throw it by means of a tube into

the arsenal and the fire once get hold of the vessels, everything

would soon be devoured by the flames.

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! wretch! an insect and a wick devour everything!

(HE STRIKES HIM.)

NICARCHUS (TO THE CHORUS)

You will bear witness, that he mishandles me.

DICAEOPOLIS

Shut his mouth.  Give me some hay; I am going to pack him up like

a vase, that he may not get broken on the road.

CHORUS

Pack up your goods carefully, friend; that the stranger may not

break it when taking it away.

DICAEOPOLIS

I shall take great care with it, for one would say he is cracked already;

he rings with a false note, which the gods abhor.

CHORUS

But what will be done with him?

DICAEOPOLIS

This is a vase good for all purposes; it will be used as a vessel for holding

all foul things, a mortar for pounding together law-suits, a lamp

for spying upon accounts, and as a cup for the mixing up and poisoning

of everything.

CHORUS

None could ever trust a vessel for domestic use that has such a

ring about it.

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh! it is strong, my friend, and will never get broken, if care is

taken to hang it head downwards.

CHORUS

There! it is well packed now!

BOEOTIAN

Marry, I will proceed to carry off my bundle.

CHORUS

Farewell, worthiest of strangers, take this informer, good for

anything, and fling him where you like.

DICAEOPOLIS

Bah! this rogue has given me enough trouble to pack!  Here!

Boeotian, pick up your pottery.

BOEOTIAN

Stoop, Ismenias, that I may put it on your shoulder, and be very

careful with it.

DICAEOPOLIS

You carry nothing worth having; however, take it, for you will

profit by your bargain; the Informers will bring you luck.

A SERVANT OF LAMACHUS

Dicaeopolis!

DICAEOPOLIS

What do you want crying this gait?

SERVANT

Lamachus wants to keep the Feast of Cups,(1) and I come by his order

to bid you one drachma for some thrushes and three more for a Copaic eel.

f(1) The second day of the Dionysia or feasts of Bacchus, kept in the month

Anthesterion (February), and called the Anthesteria.  They lasted three

days; the second being the Feast of Cups, the third the Feast of Pans.

Vases, filled with grain of all kinds, were borne in procession and

dedicated to Hermes.

DICAEOPOLIS

And who is this Lamachus, who demands an eel?

SERVANT

'Tis the terrible, indefatigable Lamachus, who is always brandishing

his fearful Gorgon's head and the three plumes which o'ershadow

his helmet.

DICAEOPOLIS

No, no, he will get nothing, even though he gave me his buckler.

Let him eat salt fish, while he shakes his plumes, and, if he comes

here making any din, I shall call the inspectors.  As for myself,

I shall take away all these goods; I go home on thrushes' wings

and black-birds' pinions.(1)

f(1) A parody on some verses from a lost poet.

CHORUS

You see, citizens, you see the good fortune which this man owes to

his prudence, to his profound wisdom.  You see how, since he has

concluded peace, he buys what is useful in the household and good to

eat hot.  All good things flow towards him unsought.  Never will I welcome

the god of war in my house; never shall he chant the "Harmodius" at

my table;(1) he is a sot, who comes feasting with those who are

overflowing with good things and brings all manner of mischief at his

heels. He overthrows, ruins, rips open; 'tis vain to make him a

thousand offers, "be seated, pray, drink this cup, proffered in all

friendship," he burns our vine-stocks and brutally pours out the wine

from our vineyards

on the ground.  This man, on the other hand, covers his table with

a thousand dishes; proud of his good fortunes, he has had these feathers

cast before his door to show us how he lives.

f(1) A feasting song in honour of Harmodius, the assassin of Hipparchus

the Tyrant, son of Pisistratus.

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh, Peace! companion of fair Aphrodite and of the sweet Graces,

how charming are thy features and yet I never knew it!  Would that Eros

might join me to thee, Eros, crowned with roses as Zeuxis(1) shows him to

us!  Perhaps I seem somewhat old to you, but I am yet able to make you a

threefold offering; despite my age I could plant a long row of vines for you;

then beside these some tender cuttings from the fig; finally a young

vine-stock, loaded with fruit and all around the field olive trees, which

would furnish us with oil, wherewith to anoint us both at the New Moons.

f(1) The celebrated painter, born in Heraclea, a contemporary

of Aristophanes.

HERALD

List, ye people!  As was the custom of your forebears, empty a full

pitcher of wine at the call of the trumpet; he, who first sees the

bottom, shall get a wine-skin as round and plump as Ctesiphon's belly.

DICAEOPOLIS

Women, children, have you not heard?  Faith! do you not heed the

herald?  Quick! let the hares boil and roast merrily; keep them

a-turning; withdraw them from the flame; prepare the chaplets;

reach me the skewers that I may spit the thrushes.

CHORUS

I envy you your wisdom and even more your good cheer.

DICAEOPOLIS

What then will you say when you see the thrushes roasting?

CHORUS

Ah! true indeed!

DICAEOPOLIS

Slave! stir up the fire.

CHORUS

See, how he knows his business, what a perfect cook!  How well

he understands the way to prepare a good dinner!

A HUSBANDMAN

Ah! woe is me!

DICAEOPOLIS

Heracles! What have we here?

HUSBANDMAN

A most miserable man.

DICAEOPOLIS

Keep your misery for yourself.

HUSBANDMAN

Ah! friend! since you alone are enjoying peace, grant me a part

of your truce, were it but five years.

DICAEOPOLIS

What has happened to you?

HUSBANDMAN

I am ruined; I have lost a pair of steers.

DICAEOPOLIS

How?

HUSBANDMAN

The Boeotians seized them at Phyle.(1)

f(1) A deme and frontier fortress of Attica, near the Boeotian border.

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! poor wretch! and yet you have not left off white?

HUSBANDMAN

Their dung made my wealth.

DICAEOPOLIS

What can I do in the matter?

HUSBANDMAN

Crying for my beasts has lost me my eyesight.  Ah! if you care for poor

Dercetes of Phyle, anoint mine eyes quickly with your balm of peace.

DICAEOPOLIS

But, my poor fellow, I do not practise medicine.

HUSBANDMAN

Come, I adjure you; perhaps I shall recover my steers.

DICAEOPOLIS

'Tis impossible; away, go and whine to the disciples of Pittalus.(1)

f(1) An Athenian physician of the day.

HUSBANDMAN

Grant me but one drop of peace; pour it into this reedlet.

DICAEOPOLIS

No, not a particle; go a-weeping elsewhere.

HUSBANDMAN

Oh! oh! oh! my poor beasts!

CHORUS

This man has discovered the sweetest enjoyment in peace; he will share it

with none.

DICAEOPOLIS

Pour honey over this tripe; set it before the fire to dry.

CHORUS

What lofty tones he uses!  Did you hear him?

DICAEOPOLIS

Get the eels on the gridiron!

CHORUS

You are killing me with hunger; your smoke is choking your

neighbours, and you split our ears with your bawling.

DICAEOPOLIS

Have this fried and let it be nicely browned.

A BRIDESMAID

Dicaeopolis!  Dicaeopolis!

DICAEOPOLIS

Who are you?

BRIDESMAID

A young bridegroom sends you these viands from the marriage feast.

DICAEOPOLIS

Whoever he be, I thank him.

BRIDESMAID

And in return, he prays you to pour a glass of peace into this vase,

that he may not have to go to the front and may stay at home

to do his duty to his young wife.

DICAEOPOLIS

Take back, take back your viands; for a thousand drachmae I

would not give a drop of peace; but who are you, pray?

BRIDESMAID

I am the bridesmaid; she wants to say something to you

from the bride privately.

DICAEOPOLIS

Come, what do you wish to say?  (THE BRIDESMAID WHISPERS IN

HIS EAR.)  Ah! what a ridiculous demand!  The bride burns with longing

to keep by her her husband's weapon.  Come! \bring hither my truce; to

her alone will I give some of it, for she is a woman, and, as such,

should not suffer under the war.  Here, friend, reach hither your vial.

And as to the manner of applying this balm, tell the bride, when a

levy of soldiers is made to rub some in bed on her husband, where

most needed.  There, slave, take away my truce!  Now, quick, bring me

the wine-flagon, that I may fill up the drinking bowls!

CHORUS

I see a man, striding along apace, with knitted brows; he seems

to us the bearer of terrible tidings.

HERALD

Oh! toils and battles, 'tis Lamachus!

LAMACHUS

What noise resounds around my dwelling, where shines the glint

of arms.

HERALD

The Generals order you forthwith to take your battalions and

your plumes, and, despite the snow, to go and guard our borders.

They have learnt that a band of Boeotians intend taking advantage

of the Feast of Cups to invade our country.

LAMACHUS

Ah! the Generals! they are numerous, but not good for much!

It's cruel, not to be able to enjoy the feast!

DICAEOPOLIS

Oh! warlike host of Lamachus!

LAMACHUS

Wretch! do you dare to jeer me?

DICAEOPOLIS

Do you want to fight this four-winged Geryon?

LAMACHUS

Oh! oh! what fearful tidings!

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! ah! I see another herald running up; what news does he bring me?

HERALD

Dicaeopolis!

DICAEOPOLIS

What is the matter?

HERALD

Come quickly to the feast and bring your basket and your cup;

'tis the priest of Bacchus who invites you.  But hasten, the guests

have been waiting for you a long while.  All is ready—couches,

tables, cushions, chaplets, perfumes, dainties and courtesans to boot;

biscuits, cakes, sesame-bread, tarts, lovely dancing women, the sweetest

charm of the festivity.  But come with all haste.

LAMACHUS

Oh! hostile gods!

DICAEOPOLIS

This is not astounding; you have chosen this huge, great ugly Gorgon's head

for your patron.  You, shut the door, and let someone get ready the meal.

LAMACHUS

Slave! slave! my knapsack!

DICAEOPOLIS

Slave! slave! a basket!

LAMACHUS

Take salt and thyme, slave, and don't forget the onions.

DICAEOPOLIS

Get some fish for me; I cannot bear onions.

LAMACHUS

Slave, wrap me up a little stale salt meat in a fig-leaf.

DICAEOPOLIS

And for me some good greasy tripe in a fig-leaf; I will have it cooked here.

LAMACHUS

Bring me the plumes for my helmet.

DICAEOPOLIS

Bring me wild pigeons and thrushes.

LAMACHUS

How white and beautiful are these ostrich feathers!

DICAEOPOLIS

How fat and well browned is the flesh of this wood-pigeon!

LAMACHUS

Bring me the case for my triple plume.

DICAEOPOLIS

Pass me over that dish of hare.

LAMACHUS

OH! the moths have eaten the hair of my crest.

DICAEOPOLIS

I shall always eat hare before dinner.

LAMACHUS

Hi! friend! try not to scoff at my armor?

DICAEOPOLIS

Hi! friend! will you kindly not stare at my thrushes.

LAMACHUS

Hi! friend! will you kindly not address me.

DICAEOPOLIS

I do not address you; I am scolding my slave.  Shall we wager and submit

the matter to Lamachus, which of the two is the best to eat, a locust or

a thrush?

LAMACHUS

Insolent hound!

DICAEOPOLIS

He much prefers the locusts.

LAMACHUS

Slave, unhook my spear and bring it to me.

DICAEOPOLIS

Slave, slave, take the sausage from the fire and bring it to me.

LAMACHUS

Come, let me draw my spear from its sheath.  Hold it, slave, hold it tight.

DICAEOPOLIS

And you, slave, grip, grip well hold of the skewer.

LAMACHUS

Slave, the bracings for my shield.

DICAEOPOLIS

Pull the loaves out of the oven and bring me these bracings of my stomach.

LAMACHUS

My round buckler with the Gorgon's head.

DICAEOPOLIS

My round cheese-cake.

LAMACHUS

What clumsy wit!

DICAEOPOLIS

What delicious cheese-cake!

LAMACHUS

Pour oil on the buckler.  Hah! hah! I can see reflected there an old

man who will be accused of cowardice.

DICAEOPOLIS

Pour honey on the cake.  Hah! hah! I can see an old man who makes

Lamachus of the Gorgon's head weep with rage.

LAMACHUS

Slave, full war armour.

DICAEOPOLIS

Slave, my beaker; that is MY armour.

LAMACHUS

With this I hold my ground with any foe.

DICAEOPOLIS

And I with this with any tosspot.

LAMACHUS

Fasten the strappings to the buckler; personally I shall carry the knapsack

DICAEOPOLIS

Pack the dinner well into the basket; personally I shall carry the cloak.

LAMACHUS

Slave, take up the buckler and let's be off.  It is snowing!  Ah!

'tis a question of facing the winter.

DICAEOPOLIS

Take up the basket, 'tis a question of getting to the feast.

CHORUS

We wish you both joy on your journeys, which differ so much.  One goes

to mount guard and freeze, while the other will drink, crowned

with flowers, and then sleep with a young beauty, who will excite

him readily.

I say it freely; may Zeus confound Antimachus, the poet-historian,

the son of Psacas!  When Choregus at the Lenaea, alas! alas! he

dismissed me dinnerless.  May I see him devouring with his eyes a

cuttle-fish, just served, well cooked, hot and properly salted; and

the moment that he stretches his hand to help himself, may a dog seize

it and run off with it.  Such is my first wish.  I also hope for him a

misfortune at night.  That returning all-fevered from horse practice,

he may meet an Orestes,(1) mad with drink, who breaks open his head;

that wishing to seize a stone, he, in the dark, may pick up a fresh stool,

hurl his missile, miss aim and hit Cratinus.(2)

f(1) An allusion to the paroxysms of rage, as represented in many tragedies

familiar to an Athenian audience, of Orestes, the son of Agamemnon,

after he had killed his mother.

f(2) No doubt the comic poet, rival of Aristophanes.

SLAVE OF LAMACHUS

Slaves of Lamachus!  Water, water in a little pot!  Make it warm, get ready

cloths, cerate greasy wool and bandages for his ankle.  In leaping a ditch,

the master has hurt himself against a stake; he has dislocated and twisted

his ankle, broken his head by falling on a stone, while his Gorgon shot far

away from his buckler.  His mighty braggadocio plume rolled on the

ground; at this sight he uttered these doleful words, "Radiant star, I gaze

on thee for the last time; my eyes close to all light, I die." Having

said this,

he falls into the water, gets out again, meets some runaways and pursues

the robbers with his spear at their backsides.(1) But here he comes,

himself. Get the door open.

f(1) Unexpected wind-up of the story.  Aristophanes intends to deride

the boasting of Lamachus, who was always ascribing to himself most

unlikely exploits.

LAMACHUS

Oh! heavens! oh! heavens! What cruel pain!  I faint, I tremble!  Alas!

I die!  the foe's lance has struck me!  But what would hurt me most

would be for Dicaeopolis to see me wounded thus and laugh

at my ill-fortune.

DICAEOPOLIS (ENTERS WITH TWO COURTESANS)

Oh!  my gods!  what bosoms!  Hard as a quince!  Come, my treasures, give

me voluptuous kisses!  Glue your lips to mine.  Haha! I was the first to

empty my cup.

LAMACHUS

Oh! cruel fate! how I suffer!  accursed wounds!

DICAEOPOLIS

Hah! hah! hail! Knight Lamachus!  (EMBRACES LAMACHUS.)

LAMACHUS

By the hostile gods!  (BITES DICAEOPOLIS.)

DICAEOPOLIS

Ah! Great gods!

LAMACHUS

Why do you embrace me?

DICAEOPOLIS

And why do you bite me?

LAMACHUS

'Twas a cruel score I was paying back!

DICAEOPOLIS

Scores are not evened at the Feast of Cups!

LAMACHUS

Oh! Paean, Paean!

DICAEOPOLIS

But to-day is not the feast of Paean.

LAMACHUS

Oh! support my leg, do; ah! hold it tenderly, my friends!

DICAEOPOLIS

And you, my darlings, take hold of this, both of you!

LAMACHUS

This blow with the stone makes me dizzy; my sight grows dim.

DICAEOPOLIS

For myself, I want to get to bed; I am bursting with lustfulness,

I want to be bundling in the dark.

LAMACHUS

Carry me to the surgeon Pittalus.

DICAEOPOLIS

Take me to the judges.  Where is the king of the feast?

The wine-skin is mine!

LAMACHUS

That spear has pierced my bones; what torture I endure!

DICAEOPOLIS

You see this empty cup!  I triumph! I triumph!

CHORUS

Old man, I come at your bidding!  You triumph! you triumph!

DICAEOPOLIS

Again I have brimmed my cup with unmixed wine and drained it at

a draught!

CHORUS

You triumph then, brave champion; thine is the wine-skin!

DICAEOPOLIS

Follow me, singing "Triumph! Triumph!"

CHORUS

Aye!  we will sing of thee, thee and thy sacred wine-skin, and we all,

as we follow thee, will repeat in thine honour, "Triumph, Triumph!"

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Table of Contents

THE ACHARNIANS

INTRODUCTION

THE ACHARNIANS

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE